Confidence

I’m an actor. It’s what I’ve identified myself as for the last few years, and it’s really what I’ve become. Yeah, I do lacrosse, and I do theater tech, but acting recently became part of my everyday life. I know it’s not really a good thing but I’ve found that I can turn myself into whatever I need to be to fit into a situation, if I have the energy. I know I can be happy in any situation if I feel up to it, and that thought both makes me proud of myself and disappoints me at the same time. Sometimes I wonder, have I become such a fluid personality that I’ve lost track of who I really am? Or did I ever really know in the first place? Every so often people will tell me things like “You’re the happiest person I know!” or “I wish I had your confidence!” And it always takes me aback. I guess I am intending to fool people with the smiles I paste on and the body language I force but I never think that I’m actually succeeding…

The truth is, half the time I’m “at my happiest” I’m actually just waiting for a moment alone to break down. The truth is, I suffer from cripplingly low self confidence. I know I have nothing to complain about, I’m decently good looking, I have no trouble carrying out an intelligent conversation with a group of adults, but as soon as it comes to people my age, boy or girl, I am suddenly hideous, can’t form a coherent sentence, stutter like a fool, and dress like a child. I’m aware of every zit on my face, how frizzy my hair is, that stain on my unflattering t-shirt, my boyish jeans, and my stupid pink sneakers. And if I’m dressed up, I feel like a kid playing dress-up in mommy’s clothes.

I know I have the capacity to feel good about myself.I know I can be proud of who I am and what I do. I know that I can rock a bikini, and that my friends will think I’m pretty in a band shirt or a prom dress. I know that even if I’m not at summer camp or backstage I should have the confidence and peace of mind to be able to get through life without the constant reassurance of my friends but I can’t seem to convince my heart of it.

I guess what I’m really saying is that I always thought of myself as an independent person, but when it comes down to it, if I don’t have my friends to keep me floating, everything comes crashing down around me… and I don’t know what to do.